I feel you, anon. I love what I always get out of writing fanfic—discussion and interaction with like-minded people, confidence in my writing ability, and I’ve made lots of friends, some of whom I still talk to on a daily basis years later.
That said, I think we all try to get something different out of writing fanfic and being a part of fandom. Whatever your aims or goals, you are valid and I, personally, hope you meet all your milestones.
Keep writing and you’ll get there. Good luck.
–Mod M